Farmer Wants A Wife 2022: James Weir recaps finale

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Multiple girls are dumped like dud vegetable crops on Monday’s Farmer Wants A Wife finale as the show’s three stockmen choose the ladies they’ll now forever wear his-and-hers R.M. Williams boots with.

We’ve watched for weeks as the city girls have been put through their paces. They’ve learnt about life on the land and been quietly judged by the local CWA ladies.

It’s now time to find out who gets to live out their McLeod’s Daughters fantasy and who will be made to hitchhike back to the big smoke on a locomotive.

JAMES WEIR RECAPS:Read all the recaps here

Before the farmers make their final decisions, they pack up their Hiluxes to go check out the girls’ home towns and meet their families. Reality TV producers never seem to consult weather apps when planning these kinds of adventures, so the visits are hit with torrential weather. This means we’re treated to all the dads aggressively shaking the hands of the farmers while declaring, “ya brought the weather with ya!”

The home visits are about as interesting as having forced conversation with other people’s parents. We’d rather just spend 20 minutes watching Leish posing outside a cafe in a caped jacket, pretending she doesn’t know she’s being filmed.

Down in Melbourne, Farmer Will is meeting Maddie’s dad, who insists on wearing a party shirt and refuses to learn the basic details of the TV show his daughter is appearing on.

“I hope you make the right decision, Maddie,” he grunts.

Maddie looks around awkwardly. “I don’t have a decision to make,” she says, pointing out it’s the farmers who choose the girl they want to be with.

Dad shrugs. “Oh.”

We share his enthusiasm.

It’s a helpful segue into Will’s decision.

“I came here looking for something and I think I found it with someone else,” he tells Maddie, who breaks down immediately.

“You are an incredible person, Maddie. You really are.”

He’s trying to comfort her but the kind worse just make it worse and she cries more. It’s heartbreaking. But, Maddie, on the plus side, at least you don’t have to check sheep for pink eye anymore.

Then it’s Farmer Harry’s turn. He summons Tess in to hear her fate and we assume she’s going to get dumped because she doesn’t wanna move from the Gold Coast.

Harry delivers a winding speech that lurches from positive memories to negative concerns about their compatibility — the kind of speech producers always write for these sorts of dating show finales to create false suspense.

Then he decides to keep her. “I love you and wanna be with you,” he smiles.

They make out on a park bench and almost lose track of time until a producer yanks Harry aside and reminds him he still needs to dump Bronte.

“Unfortunately, Bronte, I’m sorry, but I’ve fallen for someone else,” he tells her point blank. At first, her fed-up facial expression makes it seem like she’s about to rip into him. We gleefully sit up in our chairs. Then she goes and ruins the moment by being absolutely lovely.

“Tess is very lucky. I get why you love her,” she says. “It’s not what I wanna hear but it’s OK.”

Boo! Key his tractor!

Then it’s time for Farmer Ben to pick between Leish and Kiani. It could go either way. To build tension, producers keep cutting between Ben’s speeches to the girls. We love when reality TV producers try to get cinematic.

“It’s always on my mind if a long distance relationship will work and if it’s too much of a risk,” Ben tells Leish, who doesn’t want to leave Brisbane to be on the farm.

Then the footage cuts to Kiani, who is simply not loving the moment.

“There’s so much potential in what we have,” Ben tells her. “It’s a testament to how strong our connection is. There’s so many things I have to weigh up in this decision — where I wanna be and what I want my future to look like. And when I do that, there’s one woman I see next to me. From the start, I said I’d find my heart and my heart’s not with you.”

Ouch. It’s a little blunt but the speech was running long and producers needed him to get to the point, so he did.

Ben begins to sob. Kiani smiles and hugs him.

“I’m so insanely happy for you,” she says.

The dumping is heartbreaking to watch. It’s almost like that midnight pash between them in Ben’s rumpus room meant nothing.

Then we cut back to Leish who, at this point, thinks she’s the one who’s about to get dumped.

Ben tries to torture her a little bit.

“I have an amazing connection with Kiani,” he says, leaving a long pause to make Leish extra nervous. “ … But I have the most perfect connection with you. Leish, I’ve fallen madly in love with you.”

And just like that, our city girls become farmerettes. There’s so much love blooming around us that we almost forget a bunch of hearts got crushed like sugarcane.

Unlike The Bachelor and Married At First Sight, all the dumped contestants on this show are so classy. We kinda wish one of them would go rogue and slash a tractor tyre.

Twitter, Facebook: @hellojamesweir

Originally published as James Weir recaps Farmer Wants A Wife 2022 episode 12 | finale

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